Family Conflict: Primary Caregiver Often Pitted Against Siblings

By Stacey Colino   En español Published October 28, 2019

Old resentments and rivalries often die hard, especially with sibling relationships, and caregiving situations can resurrect these issues.

This is especially true if one adult child is doing the lion's share of the caregiving work, with little support from siblings, or if one person is footing the bill for paid caregiving or

medical expenses. In other instances, power struggles can occur between older and younger siblings who think they know what's best for Mom or Dad and want to have control of caregiving

decisions.

Complicating matters, “parents often have preferences for which child will be the primary caregiver, which may stir up resentments with siblings,” says Barry J. Jacobs, a clinical

psychologist, health care consultant and AARP caregiving expert.

"How you behave with one another can affect your sibling relationships for the rest of your lives,” he observes. “When you pull together and work together, it can strengthen the

relationship. When you don't, it can weaken the relationship.”

Here are smart strategies that can help you navigate potential minefields with your siblings:

Schedule a meeting with your siblings, either in person or on a conference call, to “discuss your parent's condition, what the caregiving needs are and what's likely to happen going

forward,” Jacobs says.

Once you are in general agreement, devise a caregiving plan that addresses who will play each role. Someone will do the bulk of the work; others will be supporting players or provide respite

care.

At least every quarter, reevaluate what's happening with your loved one and how her needs are changing. Refine the plan as necessary.

2. Establish an appropriate division of labor