The speech the queen won't make. (drafted by an advisor, but rejected as "pushing our luck, dominic") | thearticle

My Government’s priority is, you will not be surprised to hear, to GET BREXIT DONE. Enough already. My Ministers believe there is a new realism in Brussels and that both the EU and this

country want an honourable and sensible deal. No problem there then. But they will play tough. With every Conservative MP personally signed up to deliver a Boris Brexit, preparations are

already under way for a no-deal crash-out in 12 months time. Better safe than sorry. My Ministers are determined to continue to suck up to Northerners and are trying to sign up the Beast of

Bolsover (retired hurt) to act as official advisor on proletarian bolshiness. But Dominic Cummings is advising caution, as he says that what the oiks really admire is a toff. That, he says,

is why they went so hard for Boris. My Ministers say they will, as promised, throw funny money at the NHS, the Police Service and our schools blah blah blah. My Minister will introduce a

bold, indeed revolutionary, tough but fair, points-based immigration system. But, rest assured, the net figures will remain much the same. My Ministers will repeal the Fixed-term Parliaments

Act which is a continuing threat to effective government. More important, it also took away one of the few constitutional duties which I really enjoyed — my right to accept or reject my

Prime Minister’s request for a dissolution. My Ministers are determined to introduce legislation to settle some long standing feuds: The BBC will lose its annual, £4 billion plus, poll tax

bung. Instead, those who want to listen to the Today programme slag off the Government will have to subscribe to an encrypted service. Because the BBC is said to be a national service, the

chair, the director-general, and the board of governors will be directly elected by subscribers. As for Channel 4: it will be handed over to a new editor-in-chief, Seumas Milne, a former

journalist seeking a job. My country has long been in need of a good laugh. To redress the balance, Sir Roger Scruton will be asked to create a new channel, provisionally entitled Back to

the Future. My Ministers also note with alarm that the UK Supreme Court appears to be modelling itself on its American counterpart, indulging in an activist or political interpretation of

the law and constitution. My ministers are considering several options. They could recreate the Judicial Committee of the House of Lords, which for many decades served our country

impartially and efficiently. But if that is considered too reactionary, the American model will be followed. The judicial record, private lives and political views of candidates for

vacancies on the Supreme Court will be subject to ruthless public review by a joint committee of the Lords and Commons — and by the media. See how they like that. My Ministers are ashamed

that so many genuine national emergencies were ignored during the election campaign. In particular, they feel that rough sleeping in our affluent society is an utter disgrace. Disused

military barracks and other public buildings will be opened immediately as short-term accommodation. My splendid armed forces will run them and supply basic medical services and field

kitchens. They do so with great speed, efficiency and humanity in disasters overseas, and will surely be able to cope brilliantly at home too. Costs will be met from our overseas aid budget.

Talking of the Armed Forces, my Ministers are belatedly accepting that successive governments have run them down quite disgracefully. A Royal Commission will be appointed, to reverse the

trend, and report within 12 months on plans to provide the nation with adequate, credible protection and the ability to project force in an increasing violent and unpredictable world—

whatever the cost. No government which treats national defence with contempt deserves to survive.