What dating while polyamorous is really like

20 years ago, I never imagined that my early 30s would become so humorously reminiscent of the time spent on AOL at 18. Figuring out how to hook up when I became single wasn’t hard, but when

it came to wanting to make deeper connections and actually date, there was definitely a learning curve. In some ways, polyamorous dating is just like any other dating. You meet people, you

feel it out, sometimes there’s chemistry and sometimes there isn’t. In other ways, it becomes much more complicated, and you end up facing challenges you wouldn’t face in monogamous dating.

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND, BUT… When you’re in a committed open relationship, ‘are you single’ is no longer a yes or no question. Figuring out when to reveal your relationship status is a challenge

of dating more than one person simultaneously. It’s worked best for me to be up front with any potential connections. It’s clear on my dating profiles, and I include it in any personal ads

I post. Waiting to tell someone and then finding out they’re not okay with it is a waste of time. Why forge a connection with someone only to find out AFTER the sparks start flying that

we’re not compatible? Meeting people off-line and outside of apps is a bit more complicated. I have to figure out when and how to inject my current relationship into the conversation. I want

to find a balance between feeling out whether someone is interested and feeling like I’ve misled them by flirting or showing interest. TIME IS PRECIOUS. I am very clear and up front about

my time constraints. Part of this is just normal stuff that would apply in non-poly dating- I have a full time job and a family. I like to make the most of the free time that I do have, but

that means that I also prefer to chat and text with someone for a little while before meeting up. I 100% understand that doesn’t work for everyone. Despite leading with this within the first

few messages, I still get accused of “wanting to text endlessly.” Some of the time constraints ARE a direct result of being poly- some of my time is already claimed by my current partner(s)

and is reserved for them. It doesn’t mean I don’t have time for new folks too, but it requires understanding that there are certain times I’m not available. For some reason when the

constraints are due to other partners and not to things like work, people get less understanding about it. Having kids also means things can change at the last minute once in a while, and I

have to connect with people who understand that. JOY IS BOUNTIFUL. Sharing love and connection and intimacy with more than one partner can be really joyful. I get the chance to experience

new relationship energy (NRE) AND the comfort of ongoing relationships. You know that butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling you get with first touches and first kisses? I’ll never have to stop

experiencing that. I love that I can get different energy from different people. I love meeting new people and feeling things out, hearing their stories, delighting in our common interests.

I like that I get to have different kinds of physical relationships with people. The people I meet who identify as polyamorous tend to be more accepting, sex positive, and open as a whole.

Being surrounded by positive people with positive energy enhances my life beyond my romantic relationships. I WANT A DATE, NOT A TEACHING JOB. Some people understand it from the beginning.

They may identify as poly or have experience with it, or there is something in their brain that is just more able to wrap around it. Some people seem to just like the idea that there doesn’t

have to be a certain type of commitment that fits inside a box. When this happens, it’s a little easier, and it’s nice to have that barrier removed. For many people who come across my ad or

my profile, there’s no consideration of how it could be different to date someone in an open relationship. Whether they didn’t read the full profile, ignored it, or just didn’t understand

it, the conversation veers towards questions about whether I am looking for “the one,” and I have to explain that the concept of “the one” doesn’t apply for me. I end up answering the same

questions over and over. Yes, I already have a partner. No, it is not some giant orgy all the time. Yes, there are other people who come in and out of my life who I consider friends and have

intimate relationships. Yes, I am capable of loving more than one person at a time. I don’t mind explaining polyamory to people, I want more people to know about it and understand, because

exposure leads to normalization. When it happens during the connecting/flirtation stage of a conversation though, it can start to feel like I’m a teacher rather than a potential partner. It

can be frustrating when someone just can’t grasp it OR chooses to ignore it because it’s an important part of who I am and what I’m looking for. POLYAMOROUS DOESN’T ALWAYS MEAN DTF. No,

polyamory isn’t just one big orgy all the time. I mean, it _can _be, and if that’s what you want, more power to you! There’s nothing wrong with a lot of sex! HOW ONE NIGHT STANDS HELPED ME

HEAL ALL OF THIS SEX WAS SO MUCH MORE THAN JUST SEX. IT WAS THE BEGINNING OF A LIFE BEYOND ANYTHING I’D EVER IMAGINED. medium.com Sexual needs/desires and dating needs can be entwined, but

they aren’t synonymous. I encounter my fair share of people who think polyamory means slutty, easy, or indiscriminate. I am not looking for a sex-only situation right now, so those

interactions don’t usually last very long. The bottom line is that whether you’re polyamorous, single, a swinger, or something else, it’s important to ask people what they’re looking for

instead of making assumptions. COMMUNICATION IS KEY. One thing you’ll hear over and over and over in articles and discussion groups and books, is that polyamory requires a ton of

communication. You communicate about boundaries and needs and desires, about feelings and other partners. You communicate about communicating! If you’re not comfortable talking about all of

your feelings with your partner, the outlook for navigating dating others outside of that relationship isn’t great. Communicating like this comes with perks — it comes with security in

knowing you can talk to your partner. It also comes with the benefit of digging deep and getting to know yourself and identify your feelings so that you can handle them. SOMETIMES, I FEEL

LIKE A SIDESHOW INSTEAD OF A POTENTIAL PARTNER. I don’t mind answering questions about polyamory. But there’s a point at which it becomes less about someone trying to understand and more

about them just wanting to hear details of my life. It makes me feel like an animal in a zoo, like they just want to study me. I don’t mind explaining my current relationship(s) to some

degree, but I’m more interested in exploring any potential relationship I might have with the person I’m talking to than giving them every single detail of my dating life before I even know

what their favorite kind of pizza is. Sometimes I think that people message me who aren’t even interested in me because they are curious about how I do relationships. “POLYAMORY SEEMS LIKE A

GREAT IDEA… IN THEORY.” In the first year of dating poly, I met Alex. Our eyes met and there were real-life sparks, I tracked him down through a friend and I contacted him. We made a date

and our chemistry was just wicked. I could feel that both of us were super open and deep and passionate and we had these FEELINGS and we were both trying not to fall into them, but the

electricity made it hard. About a month into it, I had to tell him that the level of togetherness we had been having was just not sustainable for me. The NRE was strong and we both wanted to

spend time together, but it was too much. At first it seemed like he got it, and it was okay. But he was unsure of how to deal with sharing me with my already established partner. I would

purposely bring up my other partners to see how he reacted, because I was trying to gauge his ability to be in an open relationship. We talked about just letting it be what it was, once

again the phrase ‘without expectations’ slipping from my lips. He was new to poly, newer than I was, and seemed to be coming at it from a completely different angle. Intelectually, he

thought it made sense, and he knew he wasn’t in a place for something “serious.” In reality, though, his heart wasn’t in being poly. He wanted a “one,” someone to be there just for him, to

get wrapped up in, spend time with, and be enamored with. That is a wonderful thing for some people, but it’s not for me. Polyamory isn’t in my head. It’s inside me, like a part of my

spirit. It’s like something I have been missing that I finally found. It’s something about myself that has come to maturity and makes part of who I am, a part of this strong, passionate,

amazing woman that I have come to be and love. YES, I STILL GET JEALOUS SOMETIMES. The jealousy question comes up a lot. Yes, there is still jealousy, but there are lots of ways to deal with

it and experience it. Jealousy is just another emotion, like anger, sadness, happiness, pride, or joy. We allow ourselves to experience these other things and build internal tools for how

to handle them when they happen. In our culture, we are taught that jealousy means something is wrong and needs to be fixed, but I think that’s a flawed understanding of what is really a

feeling with underlying causes. Jealousy ebbs and flows, and I’ve learned to identify when I feel jealous and when I don’t. Most often, jealousy happens for me when there are other factors

affecting my mood- I had a hard week, I’m feeling tired or run down, we’ve been particularly busy, or other things are going on. Instead of having a knee-jerk reaction that jealousy, I can

communicate and process and figure out how to deal with it and how my partner(s) can help me to feel safe. The goal isn’t to get rid of it, but to figure it out and incorporate it into your

idea of how things “should” be. Or better yet, get rid of those boxes and ideas all together. What feels right? For some people, a lot of people, monogamy feels right and good. Fall in love,

move in, get married, have babies, happily ever after. And that is fine and good and wonderful. I tried that. It didn’t work out for me. And now, I am doing something else and it feels like

home.