The island of bad girls: spiritual survival in a culture of slut-shaming [part three]

EXPLORE FEMININITY BEYOND ITS PREDETERMINED BOUNDS. FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, I OFFER NEW PERSPECTIVES FOR SPIRITUAL SURVIVAL IN THE FACE OF SLUT-SHAME. PART III: RECLAMATION It is

impossible to control the collective or the influences with which we were raised to perceive as _proper womanhood_. As much as I’d love to wake up tomorrow in a culture that is widely

accepting of femininity in its natural form, it’s not going to happen. Shame traps aren’t going away. The weapons still exist. Evolving on an individual level must take place before we can

expect any major cultural changes. In the journey of reclamation, mindfulness will be your shield when facing society’s behavior and preferences. EXCAVATING SHAME In my experience, I thought

I really knew the shame, but I was so immersed in it I struggled to calm my mind long enough to actually face the force behind it — fear. What was I so afraid of? Slut? Was I _actually

_afraid of that silly little word? No. It made me feel uncomfortable though. This is where I interrogated the shame as a witness. Not as a _victim _or a _judge_ — two roles that I knew so

well at that point — but a space beyond those two places. A non-analytical voice allowed me to explore the emotions, the words, and the thoughts with clarity and calmness. I asked myself

deeper questions_. _Very similar to an annoying child who asks you WHY? after every answer you give them. Keep asking why. _Example:_ > _WHY DO YOU HATE BEING CALLED A SLUT?_ >  > 

Because slut means they think less of me. They think I’m bad and > they think I’m dirty. >  > _WHAT DOES DIRTY MEAN TO YOU?_ >  > Dirty means unclean and no one likes unclean.

>  > _SO YOU’RE AFRAID OF NOT BEING LIKED BY OTHER PEOPLE?_ >  > Yes. >  > _WHAT HAPPENS IF SOME PEOPLE DON’T LIKE YOU?_ >  > They won’t want to be around me. > 

> _SO YOU’RE AFRAID OF BEING ALONE?_ >  > Sort of. There’s so many opinions, I feel like I can’t speak up > for myself. >  > _YOU CAN’T CAMPAIGN FOR YOUR GOODNESS?_ > 

> Yes. >  > _IS IT A PRIORITY FOR YOU TO BE LIKED BY THE MASSES?_ >  > I guess so. >  > _WHY_? >  > It makes me feel like I’m good. >  > _WHAT DOES GOOD MEAN

 TO YOU?_ >  > Good means accepted, understood, and loveable. >  > _LIKE YOU’RE WORTHY OF LOVE?_ >  > Yes, that sounds right. >  > _SO YOU CAN ONLY GET LOVE FROM THE 

OUTSIDE WORLD?_ >  > In this sense, yes. >  > _YOU ONLY BELIEVE YOU’RE GOOD BASED ON THEIR VALUE SYSTEM?_ >  > Well, no. >  > _BUT LOVE = GOODNESS?_ >  > Yes!

>  > _AND GOODNESS = BEING LIKED?_ >  > Yes! _TINK TINK TINK_. What’s this? What I learned from this excavation was that I don’t hate the word _slut. _I don’t even hate the

perception of my sexuality. I don’t think I’m innately _bad. _But I identified where I was drawing my worth based on how much I was liked by other people — how their perception was of me. I

know I’m not a special case. It is universal to _want_ to be accepted by the collective. One of the easiest ways to the top is to cling to your social status and the titles, acts,

perceptions that lift your name. After years and years of suffering under what felt like the crushing weight of others’ perceptions of me, it took me until this moment to actually begin

questioning it. As a student, I was striving to be accepted by my community. As a young woman, I was striving to find my place in the binary between good girl and bad girl. Asking these

questions was KEY. I saw where my checks and balances were all out of whack. No longer looking to the outside world for approval, my mind cleared up a bit. I was able to define new

guidelines for myself that felt good _to me_. This was a fun process because I was reclaiming grounds that I had vacationed to but never truly inhabited. I was relearning myself. RE-DEFINING

VALUES I had a deep conversation with the scared 13-year-old version of myself who still thought submission was the solution — who still viewed cultural restrictions as the concrete

guidelines of my own decision-making. After all of these years, her shame was still weighing me down. I had to redefine her understanding of validation and where it should be sourced from. I

consulted my counsel of bad girls for assistance. Where do I start? Adapting an IDGAF attitude seemed like the common denominator among the women I wished to be most like. The problem: I

did GAF. As we learned in my excavation, I gave many Fs. I asked myself, where am I investing all of my F’s? This was where I started — redefining my values. My newborn value: VALIDATION

COMES FROM ME AND ONLY ME. The phrase felt good to say, but I knew it would have to be practiced like any new habit to make it a behavior change. In order to remove the weight from the

labels that were hurled at me, I had to get straight with myself. I knew I didn’t identify with the labels, so what did I actually identify with? I had an older, much brighter, less

existential identity conversation with myself — who am I? The women I invited to my Island of Bad Girls weren’t there by chance. Whether they be contemporary, historical, or fictional, these

women embodied traits that I felt were true to my being. I saw myself in them. _Frida Kahlo_: I identify with her boldness and the power of vulnerability. _Janis Joplin_: I identify with

her vibrancy and uninhibited expression. _Jane Goodall_: I identify with her courage and dominance. _Rihanna_: I identify with her fearless individuality and strength. To this day, my

roundtable of women continues to grow and evolve. Their pursuit of authenticity gave me permission to be myself, unapologetically. Their own personal stories, expressions, art, and

contributions to the world gave me strength where it was lacking and after time it was no longer an aspiration. I _am _Frida’s boldness. I _am _Jane’s dominance_._ My source of value shifted

from being based on my peers’ perception to finding alignment and happiness in the traits that already lived in me. Seeing other women put them to use just inspired me to take mine out and

do the same. Who will you invite to your roundtable? If you don’t intervene and decide for yourself _who you want to be _(from within) then others will define that for you. We can’t allow

any more women to have their natural lives thieved through cultural restrictions. Women everywhere, you are being called to live a life that is your own — a life that is wholly mindful.

MINDFULNESS IS YOUR SHIELD When I would start to feel myself assigning value to anything external, I vowed to stop my thinking pattern and _question _it till I was blue in the face_. _I

questioned the status quo with great confidence. I gave myself the mental space to investigate my own thoughts and emotions with curiosity and grace. The process of going inward requires an

unlearning of old beliefs that have been designed to make you play small. It requires you to feel everything. Feel what doesn’t work for you. Feel what does work for you. Take time to

evaluate this model of life you’ve been forced to subscribe to and QUESTION EVERYTHING THAT MAKES YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE. This doesn’t mean to judge or victimize yourself. This means you

take a step back, and ask yourself as a witness to explore your mind-body. When you feel shame, ask yourself: Am I uncomfortable because I crossed a personal boundary? Or am I uncomfortable

because of projected shame? Based on personal conversations with yourself, you can establish a new set of beliefs that ring true to your being. When you cross one of your own lines, you will

know. And _you_ will not shame _you_ for doing so. You will simply dig deeper, learn more, and continue on with a full life that is intended to be experienced through ups and downs, good

moments, bad moments, successes and mistakes. Choosing to only live through the positive parts is a half life. INDIFFERENCE IS BALANCE INDIFFERENCE TOWARD THE OPINIONS OF OTHERS IS KEY TO

SPIRITUAL SURVIVAL. So often we get caught and misinterpret hatred and love, or aversions and attractions as opposites. _Am I liked or am I hated? Do they think I’m good or bad?_ Neither of

these are opposites — they both embody passion and a focused intensity in one direction. Whenever we move too far in one direction, we find ourselves off balance. So how do you un-cling from

external validations? Where is the balance? _FIND PEACE IN INDIFFERENCE._ Indifference isn’t about carelessness. It’s about getting more comfortable designating external things as

unimportant — needing neither of your positive or negative attention. It’s a commitment to bringing mindfulness to where you invest your energy. If you’re constantly performing to meet the

approval of others, how can you ever understand what it is that you _actually _want? What has meaning to _you_ if your decisions are exclusively based on an external punishment and reward

system? Shame elicits a sense of being unaccepted and unloveable. When you feel unaccepted, you do what you can to regain that power and love through the external world. We’re taught that.

But in your pursuit, you’re giving your vitality all away. Act against the desire to be perceived as _good. _It’s a faulty system. Choose indifference. The non-attachment will make you more

intentional. In my experience, intentionality made me clear-minded. When I stopped hearing the negative voices of others, I heard my own voice much louder. I trusted myself more because I

was now operating out of my own values and desires instead of operating on WHAT I WAS TOLD I SHOULD BE by the collective. I knew what I wanted clearly. If social shame is a means for

control, then ask yourself where you give control to others. When you give control to others — when you give control to perception — you are handing your power to the external world. YOUR

SOURCE OF POWER IS NO LONGER YOUR OWN. Don’t give it up. DRAW YOUR POWER FROM WITHIN Without your personal power, you are under the control of something else, or someone else. You become

_easy prey. _You are in hell, as Don Miguel Ruiz puts it in his book _The Four Agreements_. The second agreement takes precedence here — DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY. > Whatever happens

 around you, don’t take it personally… Nothing > other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All > people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a

> completely different world from the one we live in. When we take > something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is > in our world, and we try to impose our 

world on their world. >  > Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you > directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they > do, and the 

opinions they give are according to the agreements they > have in their own minds…Taking things personally makes you easy > prey for these predators… They can hook you easily with one 

little > opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take > it personally, you eat it up…. >  > But if you do not take it personally, you are immune in the 

middle > of hell. Immunity in the middle of hell is the gift of this > agreement. Conforming to the collective’s version of _female sexuality _is a performance. You begin to live for

external validation from collective opinion. You lose authenticity, you lose intuition, you lose any inkling of inner-knowing and self-assurance that makes life (and sexuality) much more

intentional and enjoyable. Instead of animating from within in true authenticity, life begins to feel like an un-winnable war — one arduous battle after another with no end in sight. Choose

to draw your power from within: This is the key to personal liberation. By not taking derogatory labels personally, you are immediately disarming and demobilizing the negative forces being

hurled in your direction. You have the ability to make yourself immune. You don’t have to take the poison that is given to you. The gift that comes with immunity can launch you past survival

mode into a state of flow and acceptance that makes life lighter and opens your heart to love in a new capacity; love for yourself and even love for others who don’t understand you. GOING

INWARD FRUITFULLY We’ve learned that when we experience shame our attention is focused inward. One of the best ways to heal your shame is to meet it there. Go inward. That is where your true

power lies: within you. It’s a personal power that isn’t conditional. It’s a higher version of yourself that is full of love for you and love for life. No matter how dim life feels, the

love for life is in you. But you have to slay some beasts along the way. Going inward calls for mindfulness — not in the commodified and commercialized “count to ten” and “start naming what

you see around you” type of mindfulness. It calls for a strong attention to the way you speak to yourself, the way you process your emotions, the people you choose to surround yourself with,

and the information which you consume. If you know the negative stimuli is causing you pain and you cannot remove the stimuli itself, remove the value from it. Do not assign value to the

names that people call you. Do not assign value to your social status, whether that be good or bad. Putting all of your power and all of your value in your perception is external, meaning it

goes out of you. All of the beautiful power which was once yours within you becomes someone else’s. Be stingy with your power. THE RESULT IS INTENTIONALITY When you’re not performing,

you’re not dealing with a mind clouded by _shoulds _and _should nots. _You’re not operating as a conditioned body. In a state of clarity, one where you can hear your own voice, your own

wants and needs, you can be more intentional. Knowing and trusting yourself before seeking validation in your peers will promise conviction in your decision making. When we have clear minds,

we have space, time and curiosity to truly understand what we want, which makes for safer and more fulfilling experiences. Use your consciousness and your intuition as a rock and compass

for unraveling the dissonance within you. That feeling of dissonance is your vitality crying out for help. Identify where you hold shame within yourself and disassemble it. BECOME STRONG FOR

THE FIGHT It is brave to resist the culture that engulfs and pressures you into a life of mindless conformity. It is an act of the heart — true courage. REMEMBER: Face your shame head on.

Question the collective with confidence. Re-make the rules for you. Speak to yourself without belittlement. Surround yourself with people who support you emphatically. Keep doing the work.

The journey to reclamation isn’t about blame and it isn’t about victimhood. This process is about _relearning. _It is about equipping yourself with tools that will allow you to understand

accountability in the external world and within yourself. You are capable of healing while continuing to navigate through the outer world. The process isn’t without its challenges. You will

have moments of great entropy. That is why stamina plays a key role here. Remember what you’re fighting for. You don’t have to yearn for another life. You don’t need to plead for a life that

is your own. This is an opportunity to take your life and your femininity into your own hands. If you have experienced slut-shaming, are currently experiencing shame as a woman, or are

holding onto shame from your past, listen up: YOU ARE NOT A SLUT. YOU ARE NOT SCANDALOUS. YOU ARE NOT INSANE. YOU ARE NOT UNACCEPTABLE. YOU ARE NOT DIRTY. YOU ARE NOT A _BAD_ WOMAN. These

are empty words placed on you to make you obedient to someone else’s version of a _good _woman. It is intentional. It is used for control. These labels are not real. Your inner peace, your

intuition, your spirit — whatever you would like to call it — knows nothing of stereotypes, names, social structures. It just _is_. It is be-ing. It wants you to live a vibrant life.

Whatever you do, don’t reduce yourself to the names hurled at you by those who don’t understand you. Your femininity is divine and deserves much more meaning and exploration than that. In

the wise words of scholar and poet, Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés, > _“HOLD ON, HOLD OUT, AND SEARCH FOR WHAT YOU BELONG TO — AND > PREFERABLY OUTLIVE, OUT-THRIVE, AND OUT-CREATE THOSE 

WHO VILIFIED > YOU.”_ Refuse to be controlled. Refuse to submit. I promise vitality will follow. Life is meant to be lived so live the most you can, on your own terms. Rise up and become

strong for the fight. Let it become the fire that awakens you. G.B.C. RECOMMENDED RELATED READS: _I Am an Emotional Creature_ — Eve Ensler _Women Who Run with the Wolves_ — Dr. Clarissa

Pinkola Estes _The Four Agreements_ — Don Miguel Ruiz