We see his french family more than mine – does it matter?

COLUMNIST CYNTHIA SPILLMAN OFFERS ADVICE ON HOW TO SPLIT YOUR TIME BETWEEN YOUR LOVED ONES Dear Cynth I have met a local French guy and it is great, but we spend a lot of time with his

family and I feel guilty about my own family as I see them so little by comparison.  S.P. Thanks for writing to me. Guilt is never a helpful emotion and serves no purpose. A better course of

action is to take some time to sit down and work out why you are feeling this way, and what – if anything – you can do to change the situation.  Has anybody in your own family commented

adversely about the lack of time you spend with them, or are you beating yourself up needlessly?  It is time for a reality check. You are an adult and are free to spend your time as you

wish. On reflection, you may well find that your family is happy that you are making a life for yourself in France with a new partner.  And if they are not, there are a number of actions you

can take to make them, and yourself, feel better.  Decide how often you would like to see them. It does not have to be a 50/50 split with your partner’s family. You are not accountable to

anybody except yourself. Even if you see them less, you could make the time you do spend with them extra-special. Quality of time and not quantity is more important. Plan to do some fun

activities with them, or go on outings. Remember their birthdays and anniversaries. You do not have to be there in person to do that.  Do you enjoy spending time with your family? If the

truth is that you do not, then you are right to minimise contact. And you do not have to explain yourself, either. Not everybody comes from a well-rounded family background and perhaps the

plain fact is that you enjoy your partner’s family more than your own – and that is okay! I had a very painful situation around my father’s 90th birthday in 2011. We had made other plans and

could not attend his party. This went down like a lead balloon and there was a massive, resultant fall-out, which went on for months. I was 52 at the time and had never stood up to my

parents before. It was excruciating, but when the dust settled, relations were much better than they had ever been before. My father died a year later and I was glad that the air had been

cleared. Good luck! Read more: How to cope when the shine comes off your ‘perfect’ new life in France Do you have a problem associated with living in France that is causing upset or worry?

Our advice column can help. Write to: [email protected]. Any letters selected for publication will be anonymised. Cynthia will endeavour to reply to all emails.