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But if a grandparent was perceived as toxic or abusive in the past, their adult children might decree: “You weren’t a great parent to me, and I really don’t want to expose my kids to that,”
Dolbin-MacNab says. For the older person, being cut off can feel brutal, since society frames grandparenting as a fun and rewarding role. WHEN RELATIONSHIP GO OFF THE TRACKS Karl Pillemer,
a Cornell University gerontologist, set out his findings on estrangement in a 2020 book, _Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them_. A year earlier Pillemer led a national
survey of 1,340 U.S. adults and found about 1 in 10 respondents reported estrangement from a parent or child. Grandchildren often are “collateral damage” amid such strife, he says.
Pillemer has identified six major pathways to family estrangement, starting with what he calls the “long arm of the past,” which can involve a history of harsh parenting, emotional or
physical abuse and neglect, favoritism or sibling rivalry. Other pathways include divorce, resulting in hostility or weakened bonds; in-laws disliked by relatives or vice versa; conflicts
over money and inheritance; differences in values or lifestyle; and unmet expectations. When older adults are forbidden to see grandchildren, the rift can lead to social isolation,
depression and anxiety, insomnia and low self-esteem, Pillemer says. And the chronic stress that results can spike on a birthday, holiday or other occasion, such as Grandparents’ Day at a
child’s school. To compensate, some estranged grandparents form relationships with other children through volunteer work or informally adopt friends’ kids, he says. 6 TIPS TOWARD
RECONCILIATION Pillemer urges estranged grandparents to be a persistent presence in their grandkids’ lives: Keep the lines of communication open, send cards and birthday gifts, and hope
that when the child is 18 and the grandparent can reach out directly, there’s a good foundation in place for a relationship. Not every family, though, need bury the hatchet with Grandma or
Grandpa — not if the older person has been “emotionally or physically abusive or otherwise damaging,” Pillemer says.
