Why i won't go ‘no contact’ with my mother | members only

As a child, I sensed something was not quite right in my relationship with her. I needed her, but I felt irritated when she was around. As a teen, her constant expectations and criticism

became a quicksand that swallowed me. Depression and low self-esteem set in, convincing me I was the problem. Two failed attempts at suicide only left me more miserable for not escaping her.

Everyone who knew my mother thought she was fabulous and pitied her based on the tales of her difficult daughter she spread far and wide. Her constant feed of derogatory comments toward me

became my inner voice that I believed without question. Her false charisma was so powerful that a crisis worker in the emergency room told me, “She seems like a really great person!” He was

surprised by my tearful admission that dying felt like my only option to be free of her, not even asking if there was abuse or neglect involved. There wasn’t, of course; at least not the

physical kind. It took years of therapy for me to accept that her treatment of me is a form of abuse that many adults refuse to tolerate. “Estrangement is way more common than most people

think,” confirms Stephi Wagner, an estrangement expert who founded Mother Wound Project. “A recent study in the _Journal of Marriage and Family_ found that 27 percent of Americans are

actively estranged from one or more family members. In the study, 6 percent of survey respondents reported being estranged from their mom. This means there’s as many Americans estranged from

their mothers as there are living veterans in the U.S. or people aged 75 and over.” My mother’s way of demonstrating love and respect for her own mother was to emulate her in tribute, but

her maternal homage also became her expectation of me. I dared to be born a unique human, making her fragile ego perceive my distinctness from her as the ultimate rejection. I repeatedly

disappointed for not being exactly like her and worse, for not wanting to try. Thankfully, therapy helped me realize that was a “her” problem and not my issue to fix. I am a mother now also,

and I encourage my daughter to be her own person and make her own decisions. I tell her regularly my unconditional love isn’t based on how much she resembles me. I make mistakes like all

parents do, but when my daughter tells me I’ve messed up, I take ownership and say I’m sorry, then try my best to not repeat what I did to hurt her. I’ve attempted many times to discuss with

my mother the depth of pain she has caused me, but she instantly turns on the tears, declares herself a victim, builds a case against me with my dad to engage his support and never

apologizes, never takes responsibility for hurting me, and definitely never changes. She sulks and gives me the silent treatment for a few days before returning to her comfort zone of toxic

dysfunction. I’m well past middle age and could have cut contact with her years ago, despite negative public opinion that persists about doing so. Sadly, there is one thing that keeps me

around her intolerable behavior. My mother is still married to my father (who also continues to endure a deluge of denigration from her) and he has dementia.