A letter from one golden bachelorette to another | members only

Dear Joan: As the first Golden Bachelorette, I know you get lots of advice, to say nothing of snark (and worse). But can we talk? As a single woman who’s got a few years on you, _The Golden

Bachelorette _has been making me cringe. To be honest, I’m not a reality show regular. But I was curious — after Gerry Turner, 72, was a pop culture success on _The Golden Bachelor_ — how

the show might tackle the perspective of an older woman. And I admire your chutzpah — you must have had an idea of what was coming after being one of the women in the mansion vying for

Gerry’s attention. Now, as the Golden Bachelorette, you are “dating” your way through your own two dozen candidates. You seem like a lovely person — caring, kind, sincere, family-oriented,

fun and, of course, beautiful. And as a widow who had to endure a traumatic ending to what was a long and loving marriage, you’re an everywoman whom the network can present as noble and

courageous. But I hope you’ll let me give you some advice as someone who has gone through something similar and is a little more … seasoned. I became single at 50-something, and I empathize

with much of what you describe. Like how women of a certain age suddenly become invisible. The first time it happened to me, I was standing next to my 20-something daughter at the fruit

market and realized the guy selling tomatoes wouldn’t see me if I were a flashing neon sign. And after your husband’s illness and death, I’m sure it’s tempting to want to be with someone who

is noticing you, offering you a safe harbor. As women, we’ve been taught that romance is always the answer. But is it? It can take a while to figure out who you are without a spouse — yes,

even years. You’ve spent a good part of past three years since your husband passed on these two shows. And to that I say, good on you! Why not have a great time on reality TV, rocking those

slinky dresses, going to Vegas and Disneyland, watching these guys grind like the Chippendales. Kiss as many of them as you like. Cuddle with the gentleman with the sexy French accent and

well-cut suits even though he’s paying one of the other guys to do his laundry. Then, take off your Spanx, kick off your heels, go home and take some time to figure out who you are without a

romantic partner.