How to deal with a defiant teen | members only

It was nearly 20 years ago, but Kim Muench, 56, still remembers the moment clearly. Her teenage son, angry about his curfew, walked into the laundry room, where she was folding clothes, and

called her a bitch. Muench was stunned and devastated; her oldest had never acted like that before. (Ten minutes later, he came back to apologize.) Now a certified parent coach near Dallas

and a mother of five with one teen still at home, Muench knows not to take such adolescent outbursts personally. “A lot of times, it’s not really about you,” she says. “They’re struggling

with their own emotional lives, whatever drama is going on for them or just all the changes that they’re having to go through.” But it’s not always easy to stay zen when your kid is raging.

Who likes getting yelled at for “breathing weird”? Developmental experts offer some simple strategies for weathering your teen’s stormy moods with your relationship intact — and even

strengthened. USE THE ‘BOTOX BROW.’ Teens aren’t always able to correctly identify facial expressions, research has shown. If yours is fretting about a bad grade, they might interpret your

crinkled forehead as a sign of anger rather than sympathy, says Michelle Icard, author of _8 Setbacks That Can Make a Child a Success. _To avoid miscommunication, Icard counsels parents to

be “extraordinarily neutral looking” — as if you’ve received a heavy dose of Botox — when speaking with an upset teen. “They feel safe then to tell you more, because you’re not going to get

mad or freak out with whatever they tell you.” TAKE A BACK SEAT. When your teen has an idea that you know won’t go anywhere, don’t immediately shoot it down, says Zachary Feldman, M.D.,

associate psychiatry professor at the University of North Carolina School of Medicine. Listen and ask open-ended questions instead. Let them try things out on their own. “Don’t try to solve

their problems right away,” Feldman advises. “Sometimes they just want to talk.”